www.welcometokerala.com/Part-I

NOTE: All the writing in red are the thoughts that were going on in my head.

I was done. I was finally done with the dreaded 10th standard board exams and was having a great summer. Like always we were making our usual holy pilgrimage to Kerala to meet ALL my relatives. Now usually these trips only meant one thing for me. Endless hours of TV and talking to random strangers. I love socializing but my idea of socializing is NOT talking about my aunt’s husband’s sister’s father-in-law’s sister’s husband’s second cousin’s daughter’s divorce. I love my family, but hey, there’s always a line! I have this major love-hate relationship going on with that state. Every time I hate it my mom tries to remind me that I have no place of my own (thanks to my dad’s never-ending transfers) as a retort to my hating “her” state.
Kerala is pretty. Granted. It’s also God’s Own Country, though lately it’s been going a little downhill with that. But anyway, it’s a whole different world out there. And when you live your entire life in various states in India except for Kerala, it can get a little tough.
So this summer, I was pulling along my two best friends Mihika and Namrata to introduce them to MY lovely state. A day before the trip all three of us were packing in our own respective homes and constantly calling each other to ask the stupidest of things in our high shrill super excited voice. My mom completed the picture by going into a complete frenzy in the background.
I was excited for the first time after years to go to Kerala. As a kid, I used to love going to there. My dad’s mom has a big two-storey bunglow in Trichur and every summer, us cousins would meet up there. Then onwards the days were complete fun. It was a fixed schedule. We had a set of things we always did. It was somewhat of a tradition. Play football. Play cricket. Play any possible sport. Play “let’s break the pots to annoy the maid!” Watch the maid lose her head. Watch grandma lose her head on the maid for losing her head on us. Eat food. Break more pots. Watch crappy TV serials and laugh your head off. Watch the hygiene conscious cousins’ fight to go have a shower first and then all of sudden watch all of them bail on the shower. Call the jukebox and fight over which song to play and then finally play a song nobody likes. And if not this, I’d crash at my grandma’s place and wait for my cousin, Sreedu to come. Some of the best days ever.
But then, it happened. Something that happens in every house. People grow up, people get jobs, people move on. Being the youngest in the family, I was half-deprived of a happy summer vacation. So lately, like I said before, trips to Kerala meant hours of TV and socializing with strangers. But this summer, things would be different.
So a week before the trip I called Namrata up. “Dude. This summer is going to be epic.” “I know right?” “Alright. Listen, I have a plan. The three of us, are going to wear shorts, sunglasses and crocs to the airport.” “……..Naiceeee!” “Right? Right? Ok, I need to tell Mihika. Bye.”
I did tell Mihika the plan but the only thing I got in response was a look that said ‘….dude. seriously?’ You should know, Mihika is not the kind of person who gets involved in juvenile behaviour . Well, not always. As in, she has a monthly quota. Once the quota is over she becomes a calm and composed mature adult.
Moving on, finally the much awaited morning had finally arrived. Namrata’s dad and mom along with Mihika’s mom and dad came over to drop their two little annoying creepy kids off at our place. I open the door and I see Namrata in shorts, sunglasses and shoes. “ I don’t have crocs.” “I figured.” I looked behind her shoulder and there was Mihika. In shorts. I was happy.
In a few minutes time we were to drive to Mumbai and take a flight from there to Cochin. We were all dragging our bags out of my house when Namrata dropped her sunglasses. “Don’t step on it!” *CRACK*
“Duude….”.
“Oh crap.” “Namrata!” Moaned Megha aunty from behind. “I didn’t see it ok!” Mihika starts snorting from behind.
“Dude we didn’t even get to the airport! What the hell Namrata!”
“I didn’t see it!”
“Ah, chuck let’s just take the bags out.”
So there we were. Namrata stepped on her sunglasses and Mihika refused to wear hers. I was not so happy anymore.
We slowly loaded all the bags while both parents kept on repeating their set of instructions over and over again. Namrata just kept smiling and listening while Mihika just looked bored which made Anjali aunty stress on each point even more. FINALLY, we left.
After getting constantly harassed by a song from the movie “Prince” while Namrata and Mihika laughed at my god forsaken luck we reached Mumbai. As soon as we entered the airport we attacked Landmark, the bookstore, almost lost my boarding ticket at another bookstore and watched Namrata spill her cold coffee and then pretend as if she didn’t do it. An hour later we proceeded to the gate.
In the next couple of hours we boarded the flight, ruined the rest of the passengers’ flight with our constant howling, we exited the flight. I got out of the aircraft and was welcomed by hot, humid air. This was going to be one sweaty trip. “I’m home.” I said, looking at Namrata and Mihika. Mihika gave me a glance and turned away while Namrata answered with a single syllable-Dude.
“Too dramatic?” “uh huh.” “Alright.”
After waiting for our long lost taxi driver to arrive we all got into this Red Sumo. Calling dibs on the last seat we all ran in, and took our spots. “First we drop achamma off and then we go home. Ok?” my mom looked back and said. Home. The word made me a little uncomfortable. My mom’s mom place. Home. My mom’s mom. Crap.
My mother’s mother is a rare specimen. You cannot tell what she’ll do when and this has caused us a lot of embarrassment. I was bringing my two friends home for the first time. Naturally, I was nervous. In front of their completely normal grandparents, I was scared to bring in my not-so-normal grandmother. I remember a month before our trip I was talking to my sister Sreedu. “Do you think you can make her NOT ask my friends any riddles or crack jokes?” “She didn’t spare the dean of my college. What makes you think she’s going to spare your friends?”Yes, I was dreading the encounter between my friends and my maternal grandmother.
So after a lot of pit stops we finally reached my mother’s childhood home. My mother was exuberant. I was taking the bags out of the trunk when I saw a figure at the backdoor of the house. Hair in a bun, Harry Potter glasses on, an apron tied to her, she stood with one hand against one side of the wall, leaning towards the same wall and the other on her waist. She reminded me of a 90s villain. “Yen di.” She said, a popular phrase people use in TamilNadu. Oh dear god. I cried in my head. I looked at my friends. They were too busy unloading the bags so I figured they didn’t hear. Crisis averted. I turned and continued with the unloading.
After the welcoming hugs and the mother-daughter reunion, we all got inside.
“Do you know what my name is?” Oh god. Oh god. Oh no. Not already!
Mihika looked at me, a little taken aback but still replied to my grandmother. “Noo..”
“I’ll give you a clue. Years ago, Raja Ram Mohan Roy drove me out of this country.”
Namrata: “Ah…. *nervous laugh*”
Mihika: “What?”
Kill me. Kill me. Someone please kill me.
“Do you want another clue?”
*Does an imitation of Lord Shiva*
I’m his wife.
Namrata: “*continues with nervous laugh*…. Ok.”Mihika: *stares disbelievingly*
Is there a knife somewhere in here? Anything?! At least a Swiss knife?
Still don’t know? I’m Sati.
Both of them: Oh…
“In 19…”
“Amma let them unpack. We have to go out in the evening.”
My mom to my rescue (and in some small way to her own rescue too). I looked down and walked straight into our room.
“Is she always this…?”
“Uh huh.Let’s just unpack.”
“No, I just..”
“UN.PACK.NOW.”
“ok…”
4 hours. Within 4 hours time I had to deal with my first crisis.
But things would change. Tomorrow Sreedu and Valiyamma will be here. And then, we’ll actually have a control over things. But till then, the only thing going on in my mind is- strike one, hating Kerala.

A Tale of Treachery

NOTE: This was for a competition from school.

‘Chai’ ‘Chai’ yells Chotu as he totters along the streets of his neighbourhood. The sun shines brightly in the sky, as the young boys and girls line up to catch their school bus. Chotu stands and stares as the children hurriedly climb the bus.
The scorching heat has mercilessly made pink whip-like marks on his back. Tired and drained, he sits down under the shade of a banyan tree. He looks up and stares at the sturdy branches of the tree. Within seconds, memories rush into his mind. His beautiful village, his mother’s loving face, his sister’s soothing voice, his cackling hen, his dear friend Ramu; and all of a sudden another face appears- the man who caused his misery.
Baban mama worked in the city. No one knew what he did or how he lived. All they knew was that Baban mama had a huge bungalow and lots of money.
On a balmy Sunday morning Chotu’s mother called out to him.“Chotu! Wake up! Baban mama will come home any minute! Go take a shower. And, did you pack that new shirt I bought you?” “I can’t believe our little Chotu is going to live with mama and study in the city from today. I am so proud of my boy. Baban mama is such a great soul, god bless him,” said the ecstatic mother to Chotu’s sister.
After a long shower for the last time in his pond, Chotu rushed home to his mother. His mother gently combed his hair and buttoned his shirt. “You just see Ma, I will become the Collector and come and pick you up in my white Ambassador. And then, we will go to my big bungalow and eat to our fullest.” Sita held her son close to her heart and a tear trickled down her eye. She whispered a prayer; she had only one prayer, “Keep him safe and happy, God.”
Soon Chotu and Baban mama left for the city. “How long is it from here mama? Will I go to the same school as Rani and Jeevan? Will they let me play with their friends? What all will I learn in school, mama? Will they give us pencils and pens to write with?” Chotu bombarded Baban mama with all these questions to which all Baban mama said was, “You have to wait and watch ! Now get into the bus.”
“It’s too less.” “It’s this ,or nothing at all. The boy is not at all healthy, no way am I going to increase the price.” “ Fine.”
“Mama, Baban mama…..” called out a sleepy voice.
“Chotu, Chotu,” Chotu turned around and saw his tied up mama. “Mama!” But before Chotu could do anything two hefty man carried him away. “Mama! Baban mama!” cried Chotu helplessly. “Chotu, Chotu, don’t worry! Baban mama will come back to save you!” and soon his voice was a whisper to Chotu.

One of the men came and helped Baban get up.

“What’s my share?”he asked Baban. Baban smiled at him and the two men walked away.

Chotu always wondered what happened to his uncle that night, until one day from a bus window, he saw his uncle tied up in a ‘helpless’ way and crying out to an innocent boy; just like that dreaded night. “Ek chai,”the voice woke up Chotu. “Jaldi.” “Jee saab,” said Chotu and got up. He

JUST.MY.LUCK.

I WANT IT, AND I WANT IT NOW. My guiding motto for the 29 years I lived on this planet. I got whatever I asked for, no one could stop me and no one ever wanted too.
I always believed that this motto can take you places. Last December I was proven wrong, or more like, given a wider perspective of the PLACES this could take me.
He was my best friend. I was madly in love with him. Quite obviously, he never saw it. He in turn was crazy about a girl, a year older than us. I never accepted defeat; I would always find a fault in all his girlfriends but she was special to him. No matter how bad she was, he could never hate her. He would do anything for her; she was his everything, while he was MY everything.
“It’s just a fling." I always used to comfort myself. “He’s going to end up with me. Isn’t that how it generally is, how it SHOULD be?”
DECEMBER, 9 I got the dreaded call. “She’s the one. I’m in love with her. I’m going to propose to her, TONIGHT.” My world fell apart. I dropped the phone and managed to walk towards the kitchen for some water. This is it. It’s all over. He would propose, and she would say yes. Why wouldn’t she say yes? He’s the most wonderful guy on this planet. I have to pull myself together.
Four weeks, it took me four weeks to recover from the shock. The phone rang, my mother looked at me. “I don’t want to talk to him. Please.” “how long are you going to avoid him? He’s your best friend and he needs you!” “FINE.”
“Hi.”
“Hey, I’ve been so worried! How are you?”
(Oh god. Why do you HAVE to be so cruel?)
“Im fine. So I heard you guys are getting married! When’s the big day?”
“Well, in a week’s time and I was wondering if you could come and help me pick a sari for the wedding. If you’re not too busy, of course.”
I sighed, mom glared, I glared, she glared back. She won.
“I’ll be there what time?”
I was going wedding shopping with the bride. FANTASTIC.
The wedding was a beautiful ceremony.
A year later, it FINALLY struck me that he was never to be mine and I must move on, and that’s what led me to meeting my prince charming.
We were working in the same office for a very long time. I wanted to get married and move on as soon as possible; and so I got married exactly a year after him. Even though, I visualized this scene differently with a different man, I wasn’t devasted. The wedding preparations and the wedding was a breeze. I felt gifted. I was happy.
Three months later, another call. Someone was weeping on the other end. “Hello?” “I don’t want to lose her.” “Hello?” “I can’t…I just can’t…” “oh god…what ……what happened?”I stuttered. “She’s been having terrible headaches but I never thought it would be a tumor, I mean, in 3 months she’ll be gone….”
His voice was soon a faint whisper in the background. I couldn’t think straight. I went blank. I stared into thin air. I sat down, then banged my head and thought to myself, just on goddamn year. If I had waited just one year. Argh. Stupid nonsense.

the paradox of life

"Get here already! I dont care how you do it ,just get here!" "What?" "SURPRISE!" "My goodness! Is that for me?Are you serious?Oh wow! Its beautiful!" "Haha! Im glad you liked it! Happy Friendship Day!"
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"Okay,let's swap letters. You read mine and I'll read yours." "Okay!" "Omg! You got in!" "Are you serious? Well guess what-you got in too!" "We're both going to Oxford!"
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"I'm engaged!" "Who? When? Where? How?" "Omg! Im so pyched!" "Get here now! I want to tell you everything!"
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'Bang.' I woke up,startled,and looked around......it was a lonely corridor......I sat there....half asleep,forcing my eye lids not to drop down.....forcing my hope not to give away.....
That Friendship Day................that letter...............her engagement............all seemed so far away yet so close................................
I stretched and yawned away.........my palms were sweating ................I laughed......."God! You never getnervous,do you?" she used to ask ...........................

I leaned back......rested my eyelids......."sir.." I looked up...."I'm sorry but we tried everything,but we could'nt save her........we're really sorry." "Thank you doctor."

I stood up,...walked towards the window of the ICU,I looked at her.....she still looked beautiful.....with one last glance i walked away..........

As i left the hospital,I realised that the pain was slowly crawling in....but I had to run away from it,or else I would collapse.....and i can not afford to collapse......cause i promised her; that was her last wish.

Three days in the hospital-I was clueless about the outside world. I stopped a passer-by"What day is today?" "The first Sunday of the month!" she replied.
The first Sunday of the month-Friendship Day,I smiled to myself thinking about the paradox of life.

I AM GOING IIIINNNNNSSSSAAANNNNEEEEE!!!!

i love going to school but i hate attending the classes..........(thats stupid-i know)
i like classes only if its something that interests me..............which is a rare possibility...........................................
this is home-
aishwarya!!!!!!!!!! its 10th std. wat makes you think its completely alrite to while away your time?!?!?!?!?! show some seriousness ........................................................or.........................................ur reading a book???? is dat wat ur going to rite in ur board paper-'i read a book.'????????? have you gone insane..........????
YES I HAVE GONE INSANE!!!!
my family is freaking out over the whole swine flu scenario ever since the schools shut down.
the schools shut down after the 'smart' collector literally threw all his responsibilty of the deaths of any students due to swine flu on the school auhtorities.
the collector freaked out because the maharahtra govt. freaked out and threw their responsiblity on the collectors.
the govt freaked out after many ppl died of swine flu.
many ppl died of swine flu because many god forsaken pigs managed to find some weird unknown newly invented virus and took it into their systems.
NOW THANKS TO THOSE PIGS EVERY TEENAGER IS SITTING AT HOME AND IS ROTTING..........................................LIKE LITERALLY ROTTING.........................................

however now the scenario at home is a bit different....its more like dis................................................
sit and study..............but before that wash your hands and ur face.............otherwise just go and have a shower....and then use that hand sanitizer
dnt touch that -wash your hands first
dnt go out
wear that mask a.k.a hanuman mask.........and den leave the house
(pls note.the subject is going from building C to building A)
no u cant go down to play! have you gone insane!!!
YES .......................I TOLD YOU SO BEFORE------------------------------------I HAVE GONE INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and im not the only freak whos suffering from insanomania (seeeeeeeeeeeeeee im so insane that i came up with a name for my insanity.....................thats just extreme insanity!!!)
everyone is suffering from this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! rather evry teen is suffering from dis.
now this disease is from: complete isolation from the outside world .............................it is some what of an mental imbalance where in the teenage brain losses complete control over his or her mind and does things which are beyond his or her control.

symptoms of this disease are:1. the patient starts talking to her himself/herself
2. starts to talk to their hair
3. they organize their study table,mess it up and den clean up again ...............and den they run to the clock to the time in which the completed the task
4. they start reading books like tinkle or chandamama or birbal the cleverest
5. they OFFER to help in household chores
6. they start hating their laptops,comps,T.V.s,iPods.
7.they volunteer to go out and buy medicines and vegetables
8.they start going around singing nursery rhymes
a few observed cases:
yayati satam: starts making weird noises and sings his version of twinkle twinkle-and do NOT correct him even if he is rong
nidhi mathur: (in league with aishwarya karunakaran): laughs over lame sardarji joke as if there is no joke like it!
chinmay tokey: went to the cinemas in his night suit and wore sunglasses in the night
namrata kakade:plans on robbing a bank,making a rock band,going on a feminist strike and making amovie on pirates.
saee diwan: she danced to random songs,conducted her own fashion show and clicked zillion pics of herself

pls remember dis disease is clearly not the persons fault and it only affects the teenagers.
it has been reported that the main victims are students of a certain gurukul school.

neways..........................................................................so this is how this newly invented diseases is affecting the teenagers of mainly pune.
the funny thing is this disease comes as an after effect of other diseases.
pls note dis disease is contagious! BEWARE.

i hate you-a tribute to barney the dinosaur ( he is a dino rite?!?!?!?!?!?)

i hate you,
you hate me,
you got good marks-and ur showing of to me,
your such a freak(had to change dis word)
and ur head is full of pee,
so get lost and dont talk to me!!!
by,
'XYZ' and
aishwarya

that full moon night

this was a few years back...................
this was around 10:30 in the night and we were in our family home back in kerala...............we as in-my 2 elder bros-arjun and vineeth and my three sisters-anju,veena and vani.
so..................as always the elder brothers were busy mocking us and proving how amazing they are.........................(especially arjun who i hated THE MOST in those days.......................................)

so now in our grandmas place the upper apartment is vacant and no one uses it and i swear and god the person who has the guts to go out there at like 12 in the nite is without doubt the bravest freak on this earth!
and as always all the girls honestly accepted that we were cowards and we accepted we will NEVER go there.
but however if you've ever realised guys can NEVER accept the fact that there is some tiny minute thing which they being guys who have bulging muscles( well in this case -no) cant do it.
and so it was decided our brave warriors who feared nothing would spend one nite.............all alone (well of course in the honour of each others company) the clock strike 11:45 and our "valiant soldiers" got ready for their mission-to prove their sisters wrong.
11:55-the tension is building..............its no more a simple bet............its a matter of ego...............a matter of dignity..............it was war-BOYS vs GIRLS.

FINALLY............the clock struck 12 and our "warriors" walked towards the staircase and slowly climbed it...........step by step............
we bid farewell and watched them go.............hoping they wuld never come back......

12:01 arjun and vineeth sit upstairs and play cards...........
there's total silence...............................both of them are too egoistic to accept that their scared to even each other.
its a windy night and our warriors are playing cards...................and pretending to ignore the eerie atmosphere............
the windows are literally whacking against the wall and the wind starts to blow...........................

back downstairs all of us silently accepted that that maybe our bros were quite brave and so we decided to go to our rooms........
so our brave bros( pls note im not being sarcastic).......came down at 6.
out of the two-arjun seems to be the braver one.
so now the 2 musketeers decided to come down and shatter our lives with their victory.
now 6 o'clock in the morning is not that bright sunny time of the day.......................so.............our heroes were finding their way in the darkness.
suddenly....................vineeth's eyes spotted a body covered with a white cloth.........
now after spending all that while in that spooky area..................i think my brother got a bit bollywood into him or something..........
for his immediate reaction was-aaaahhhhhhhhh a dead body.
now ,as i said-arjun appears to be braver out of the 2......................................so he was like-that cant be! have u lost it???
"then u tell me what it is?"
"i have no idea................have can u be so sure its a dead body????"
as the 2 war heroes were watching................................ the dead body started to move...............
now this creeped both of them out.........................................................................
the body started to move and so did my brothers.............
they stared at it.................horrified................paralyzed..........................(clueless to a certain extent)...............................
they watched on..................
and suddenly the white body started to move more vigourously...................
and den it rose................................slowly..................................steadily...........
and den removed the white cloth.................of its face........................
at first the face was not very visible.................
and den the face was more visible........................................................
"what do u think u both are duin at this time of the morning??"
asked my irritated maid.......................also known as the "dead body."